Cyrus Broacha’s guide to voting in South Mumbai

Satheesh Vellinezhi
| Photo Credit: Satheesh Vellinezhi

I think, the time has come to reveal the true potential of this column. When I think back to my original conversation with the editor, her first question to me still rings true. “Who are you”, she had inquired. It’s a question I often ask myself, especially when I’ve drunk too much. Its also a question other people ask when I’ve drunk much more than too much. However, this question is layered in a series of other questions.

One such follow-up question would be, “Who is this column”? This sentence sounds grammatically correct in Mandarin, but, sadly, it is a little off in English. Even ‘off’ in Indian English. Where ‘off’, often has a different context altogether.

So, let’s put it this way. What is the purpose of this column? Initially, we had three clear objectives. (1) Fill in this space till the regular columnist comes back. (2) Draw a lot of stick figures interspersed with the odd word. (3) Use it to wish people happy birthday, publicly.

Then, this thought struck me. Why not use this column to help people learn new things? Bear in mind, I had thought this before the advent of Google. Of course, back then, I had this thought, but not this column.

To test my theory, I followed the scientific principle of ‘phone my friends’. I asked each of them if they wanted to learn new things, and if so, what would they choose to learn? Four of them shocked me by answering, ‘French”, yet one had a more interesting request. He wanted to learn correct voting etiquette, on the Election Day. What a question folks? Please allow me to answer, as a seasoned voter in seven general elections.

Yet, before I do, let me be even more specific — this will be a guide to the voting culture of the southern Mumbaikar. An animal as rare as the snow leopard, and just like the leopard, is not oppose to being draped in fur. To be a south Mumbai voter, you must never know who the candidate is, and definitely not by name. This alone separates the south Mumbaikar from the rest. You may or may not know the political parties. However, if the party has split into two factions, you must continue to pretend it’s still one party.

The south Mumbaikar never visits the booth alone. It must always be a social do. A WhatsApp group of fellow attendees may be featured. If socially challenged on that eventful day, the Southern Mumbaikar may bring staff to accompany him or her. The staff may not be permitted into the actual voting booth, but the South Mumbaikar is working very hard to have this changed before the next general or state election.

67% of South Mumbaikars drop off after entering the polling arena, but before entering the polling booth. The reasons for dropping off differ from (a) Too hot, (b) Forgot my sunglasses, (c) Too hot and forgot my sunglasses, (d) There’s a queue, (e) There’s nobody here, (f) And hey, isn’t that Shalini?

I hope this clears all doubts and taught you something new. We have examined the intricate ebbs and flows, of the South Mumbai voter? It is our endeavour to help you grow as a student, help us grow as teachers, and help India grow as a nation.

The writer has dedicated his life to communism. Though only on weekends.