Yesterday, I was thinking, which is a little surprising. For me, you see, thinking is not an everyday thing. I like to earn my thought, spread it out, invest in it. Thoughts are like flowers. They need someone to water them, find them sunshine, and then give them such unpronounceable names that most children gain an automatic aversion to botany.
Yesterday, however, I was forced into a thought, by the supreme leader, the omnipotent one. Er… she who must not be named. Ok, you got me, you twisted my arm, so I’ll admit, I was forced into a thought by my wife. For no rhyme or reason, she remarked, that men, especially Indian men have the worst habits.
I’m not completely sure, so please don’t quote me, the evidence is clearly insufficient. However, there’s a small chance that her ‘thought’, was driven by a ‘wet’ towel on the bed. I admit to nothing. I have no knowledge of the perpetrator. Just because only she and I were in the house for the last 48 hours, means nothing. In any case, it will never stand up in court. Yet, her thought proved to be a catalyst for my very own thought, that being, “Are we, Indian men, gross, unhygienic, and without etiquette and manners”?
After consulting with social scientists, Dr. Shaam, and Dr. Subaah, I have collected some data, and must immediately share this with you. This is because dear reader, and, especially, ‘my’ reader, is always hungry for privileged information, the authenticity of which, will remain suspect. Dr. Shaam, and Dr. Subaah have given 677 specific reasons, as to why the Indian male could be considered to have amongst the worst habits amongst all species, including the dung beetle. So, it’s fair to say species wise, the bar is set really high. At the behest of the editor, listing all 677 points may take too long, so as a compromise, I’ll only list, let’s say 676. Just kidding, it’s actually 675, that we have space for. In a show of hands, what would you say is a safe number? Three?
One of the mainstays of the Indian male’s poor conditioning is the ability to have an all mighty scratch, anywhere anytime. The scratching is not confirmed, just to the head or the privates. Whom amongst us has not seen a derriere scratch, an armpit scratch, a chest scratch, and even, one hand being used to scratch another. This is known in modern science as the ‘Cannibal Scratch’.
A closely related cousin to this is the ‘nose dig’. Indian men are so proficient at this that there are some who are lobbing to make it a natural sport. But as social behaviour goes both the scratching and digging are needless to say unacceptable, except of course in certain extreme conditions, like say a heart attack, or a hair transplant, where obviously the person may not quite be in their senses.
The third vile disgusting habit is the wearing of far too ‘tight’ T-shirts. This comes with great visual distress to the bystander, as it tends to accentuate and promote the gravitational descent of the paunch, often to well below the abdomen. Many become shell-shocked victims, having viewed the worst examples of this, they often never recover. Post traumatic depression syndrome sets in. And such people should not be left alone at night or on weekends.
All the above is because I was forced to have, and then share, a thought. I want to do the right thing, the manly thing and claim ownership of all this by blaming the wife. Wet towel on the bed, in the list of bad habits, ranks as low as 536. Clearly my wife should not be complaining.
The writer has dedicated his life to communism. Though only on weekends.
