People, I’m going to have to say it again. Oh, and that’s because you just won’t listen. All articles, pieces of writing, in fact all stories should have a purpose. Some are done to educate and enlighten, some move and shake society in order to bring out a positive change. My purpose is none of the above.
Too many writers are falling on the commonality of educating or changing society. That street is too cluttered. Packed to the brim, chock-a-block, sardines in a tin, ….er I think you get it. So why be one more with the common herd? Therefore, the son of this writer’s father has chosen a road less travelled, (mutually unacceptable term in India, of course), a more noble pursuit. I am aiming for the Padma Vibhushan. That is above the Padma Shri, and the Padma Bhushan, but a little below and to the left of the Bharat Ratna. (In any case, 51 is too young for the Bharat Ratna, I feel the need to wait that one out a little bit longer). So please, dear reader, never ever ask me about the purpose of this fine, sometimes too bloody refined, piece of writing.
Luckily for you, I won’t dwell on the Padma Vibhushan any more. That would be far too insensitive of me. Let’s face it, most of you readers won’t be getting a Vibhushan or even a Bhushan, hey not even a Shri, so let’s agree in a show of hands to never mention this matter again. Okay the bill is passed. It is now a Law. We can then move on to the real purpose of this story. Sorry that’s sort of already been mentioned. So, let’s move on to the theme, the topic, the actual chapter, and verse. Which authentically should read chapter and ‘worse’. The 3rd of June. Also known as my wife’s birthday, also known as Judgement Day. By the time you read this, judgement would have been passed. The verdict given, and the sentence handed out.
First off let me describe the wife. She has some great qualities and some-not-so-great qualities. She starts with the not-so-great qualities. She’s short-tempered. She blames me for everything. She’s very short-tempered. She has impossible hygiene standards. Also, did I mention short-tempered? Okay, now let’s move to her great qualities. She’s a woman… and… er… okay moving on, the problem really is, my wife is difficult to shop for. It’s all to do with perception and reality. See we men have some sort of perception, but no actual sense of reality. (That explains why we thought of the concept of marriage).
A few years ago, I bought the wife a pair of blue Levi Strauss jeans for her birthday, turned out the waist was too tight. A case for my perception, failing in reality. But here’s a dose of reality. If the jeans were too loose, she’d have been angry, but I would’ve been forgiven. However, if too tight, there’s no forgiveness there. That’s a lifelong sentence. Oh, and she hates flowers, has no time for chocolate, is very finicky about her wine. So, what else would please her? We can’t return the children. The mother-in-law has to stay, so basically, there’s only one thing to do, stay away. I’ll just stay out of sight. My absence, the only gift that makes sense. Now do me a favour and please don’t mention her birthday to anyone.
The writer has dedicated his life to communism. Though only on weekends.