Satheesh Vellinezhi
| Photo Credit: Satheesh Vellinezhi
Folks, I don’t understand why couples can’t come clean about this? I mean, I can’t believe no government, legal authority, building panchayat, not even local ticket collectors or class monitors have tackled the subject. The amazing thing is you and I think about it all the time.
Okay, I think about it and you ask yourself what the hell are you doing by continuing to read this column. Please, I request you to hold that thought. Let me clear the air, (an impossible task in Mumbai or Delhi), for a second. Many misguided individuals feel that relationships break because of infidelity, financial pressures, or family interference. The scientific answer to this — these reasons are correct, but only on weekends.
During the working week, there is a far more sinister, evil force at play. But don’t take my word for it. Let me quote the great social commentator, Sushilaben S. Shinde. (Incidentally, Sushila was born a man but transformed into a lady at the age of 27). Sushila says the biggest destroyer of relationships amongst couples worldwide is a phenomena known as B.D. This translates into the phrase Bathroom Domination.
At first while reading Sushilaben’s book Bath, Beds and Breakups, I must admit to being a little puzzled by this observation. However after 22 years of marriage, (three of which were quite successful), I realise that Sushila is as wise as both Kautilya and Valamki, put together. Let’s examine a few of her more specific and well documented points on B.D.
Sushilaben points out, in any couple, one member is more territorial and predator-like about the bathroom space. Mind you, this does not (let me repeat that) does not co-relate into who spends longer time in the bathroom. As occupying the bathroom does not necessarily mean the individual concerned is using the bathroom.
Take my own case, where I spend hours hidden away in the bathroom, to avoid confrontations with the Bathroom Dominator, in this case, my wife. So, here I’m using it as a sanctuary.
Sushilaben points out the B.D. individual, will exert her dominance, (er… yes, I’ve taken the liberty of using the ‘her’ word here haphazardly with no judgement or prejudice intended) by doing certain things. Such as, position of towels, clothes, toilet paper and other toilet accessories, and yes, alas, also position of the other member of the couple, in the territory of said toilet.
The biggest paradox, a concept that breeds mutual exclusivity, is the B.D. personality insisting on the bathroom being kept ‘dry’ 24/7. Which is fundamentally an opposing task to the very function of the said bathroom. To use an easier metaphor, it’s the same logic you’d apply to demanding for a ‘dry’ swimming pool, which would thus lead to a ‘wet’ less swim experience. The more severe B.D. personalities take this even further. Censoring the sounds, both voluntary and in-voluntary that are permissible in the hallowed confines.
Speaking again from personal experience, I am not allowed to even sing in the shower, or even talk to myself, or my body parts, habits that I had enjoyed throughout my early years. Yet the worst harassment is after one exits the bathroom, the B.D. personality does a quick and extreme inspection. If a tissue paper is out of place, heads must roll.
I implore the government, lawmakers, parents, shaadi.com, Seema aunty and anyone else of note to help democratise the bathroom experience, or the oppression that disturbs all marriage will be unstoppable. Oh, and yes, I have made an application for separate bathrooms in the sessions court, Jai Hind.
The writer has dedicated his life to communism. Though only on weekends.
